Holidays were stressful enough before you got divorced. Now that you have to divide up the time you spend with your children, it can be even more worse. You may even be confused about where the kids are supposed to go this year. Or maybe something unexpected has come up, and your written custody agreement doesn’t seem to help. If you have questions, ask Southern California’s top child custody and visitation attorneys at Kendall Gkikas & Mitchell, LLP.
Here are a few tips to keep in mind as you get ready for the holidays.
Forget perfect
Remember to put the kids first, but forget about trying to make it all perfect. You don’t need to make this holiday “The Best Ever.” Strive for calm, safe, and fun. Make it about great experiences, not impressive gifts. Remember that quality time together can be something as simple as a walk through the park, watching a movie together, or baking cookies with grandma.
Manage expectations with your extended family
Remember to be realistic about what you and your children can handle. Is it worth it to pack in a second Thanksgiving dinner with the cousins, or will everyone be happier with a little down time at home? Don’t forget to discuss with your extended family to set reasonable expectations and boundaries. (That might mean that you have to do something even more stressful and difficult than dealing with your ex—standing up to your own parents!)
Review your written court order in advance
Take the time to review your visitation agreement in advance. If something isn’t clear, ask your attorney. Be sure to communicate well in advance with your ex to make sure that you both understand what the order requires, and how exactly you are going to make that happen.
Your visitation agreement may have a set schedule for who gets the children when. Holidays can be divided a number of different ways, depending on travel time between homes, or other reasons. You might split the day, give parents each a day to celebrate the same holiday, or you might alternate every other year.
Plan in advance… and then be flexible when the plan changes
A holiday schedule will trump the typical visitation schedule, so be prepared for how that will affect your plans. Communicate early with your spouse to coordinate drop-offs and pickups. And recognize that legitimate conflicts may come up, or special events that your child will want to be a part of. What worked last year might not be ideal this year, particularly as your kids grow up and living situations change.
You can agree to do something different from what the order says—but if there is a dispute in the future, the court will go by the written agreement. If you have concerns that your ex will back out on an agreement, talk to your attorney about how to make a temporary or permanent modification. The holidays can be a busy time for the courts, so it helps to plan ahead.
You may want to keep notes to remind yourself next year of what works, and what doesn’t. If there are serious problems, you’ll want to document that, too. Try to stay focused on what is in the best interest of the kids, not just what is inconvenient to you.
Don’t lose sight of what really matters – your kids!
You’ve probably heard it said that you can’t change someone, you can only change how you react. Be prepared by discussing plans and working out logistics as far in advance as possible… and then remind yourself to stay calm when the plan goes out the window. You may eventually want to modify the court order. But in the meantime, try not to let your anger and frustration with your ex ruin the special time you spend with your children.
If you have questions about holiday visitation and your California parenting plan, schedule an initial consultation today by calling 909-482-1422 or emailing info@parents4children.com.
